Rating: R Keywords: All Terms Apply Category: Alternative Universe, Silly as Hell Summary: Det. Kresge ends up in a place he believes is worst than hell - - - - - The Big Giant Mixing Bowl by Hong Te yaoi_no_miko@hotmail.com Detective John Kresge found himself in a very large white room. It was circular in shape, but the top of the room was a larger circle than the floor. Strange enough, there was no ceiling on the top of the room. In fact, it looked like a giant mixing bowl. A mixing bowl filled with lots of familiarly looking naked people. It was then Kresge discovered he was naked himself. "What the hell?" he ejaculated. He tried, unsuccessfully, to cover his private area with two hands. "Don't even bother," said a quiet voice behind him. He turned to Agent Pendrell, as naked as the day he was born. "We've all seen naked bodies of both gender," Pendrell continued. "You don't have anything that we haven't seen." Kresge was still shocked. "Where the hell are my clothes?" he demanded. "Around here you don't need clothes," said someone beside him. It was a dark haired man, attractive, with a prosthetic arm. Krycek waved good naturally at Kresge. Another dark haired man snickered beside him. Kresge recognized him as Agent Mulder. He was slouching on the floor, as though he had just run a marathon and was resting for a while. Agent Scully stood to his left, her arms crossed under her bare chest. Kresge couldn't help but give her a quick look. She had an amazing body. "But- but- but-" Kresge stammered. "You'll get used to it," Pendrell said comfortingly. "I was just as horrified as you were when I first got here, but this place grows on you." The man offered a shy smile and despite his qualms, Kresge started to feel a bit better. The younger man had a nice smile. Kresge smiled back. "You know," he said, admiring the face and body before him, "you're kind of cute." As soon as the words left his mouth, Kresge looked mortified. "Oh My God! I didn't mean that! I mean, I'm straight. Really, I am!" The people around him looked bored. "You won't be when they're done with you," Mulder told him dryly. He winked at Krycek. They exchanged significant smiles. "Who - what - who's /they/?" Kresge queried. His voice was starting to sound a little desperate. "The authors," Scully answered. "What authors?" "The authors this mixing bowl is made for," Krycek replied. Kresge shot up. "MIXING BOWL?" He looked around him. Marita Covarrubias and Det. Angela White were skipping arm in arm across the room. The Lone Gunmen were having a fierce argument with the smoking man. X, tall and imposing, was drinking tea with a Bambi who was pointing to a cockroach that was crawling on the table. Kresge saw AD Skinner near the table making small talk with Deep Throat while the Well-Manicured Man and Donnie Pfraser shared their fetish about fingers and hair. "Yes, the big giant mixing bowl," Scully said. "It's where all the characters of the X Files eventually end up." An uneasy feeling began in the pit of Kresge's stomach. "For the purpose of?" His voice was very hoarse. "For the purpose of getting laid," Scully said nonchalantly. Kresge's eyes widen. Scully explained, "you see, we all simply stay in this mixing bowl until one author decides that he or she wants to write a smut story. Then they shake the bowl around and reach in and grab two people, three if they're feeling spunky." Kresge's eyes were so big you could have used them for baseballs. Scully continued, "So what whatever two people they pick out, they have to write a story about them." There was few moments of silence while Kresge's face changed several shades of white. Then he yelled, "YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING!" Krycek patted his shoulder. Kresge was too in shock to pull away. "I know it's hard," he said sympathetically. "But you have to look at it philosophically. It's a great chance to sleep with people you never thought you'd never sleep with before." "But- " Kresge looked around again and then pointed to Maggie Scully shaking her head at her oldest son who was comforting a crying Jeff Spender against his chest. "But what if you get stuck with her?" Krycek shrugged. "If I do, then I just obey the authors' wishes. But I haven't got picked with her yet, although Mulder certainly got his share." Mulder shuddered, remembering that one story where Mrs. Scully was his sex phone partner and a serial killer to boot. "At least I didn't get stuck with an old Russian assassin," Mulder retorted. "Oh, Peskow was quite agile in bed," Krycek informed him with a wide smile. "And if my memory's correct, you did get the smoking man a few times." "So did you," Mulder pointed out. "And Agent Scully here." Scully smirked. "I'm not going to complain," she said. After all, she got free sex and a cure for her cancer. Pendrell thanked his lucky stars that he hadn't had his go with the smoking man yet. He just hoped a certain slash writer who had taken a particular interest in killing him, reviving him, and torturing him wouldn't go anywhere near the mixing bowl in the near future. "This is insane!" Kresge exclaimed. He hit his head a few times with both hands. "This isn't legal! Can't we do anything about it?" They thought about it. Then Pendrell asked, "can you dance?" "What will that do?" Kresge demanded. "The last author had me dancing with my lover," Pendrell replied, being absolutely no help in the situation whatsoever. But the sly smile on his face told Kresge he hadn't intended to be in the first place. Kresge went to the rounded wall of the bowl and began slamming his head against it. Scully walked up to him and patted him on the shoulder. "It's not that bad here." She was starting to sound like an overplayed tape recorder. When someone new was introduced here, they all did. "You get to do some really cool stuff here. The last time I got to flip Skinner onto the bed." "Oh yeah?" There was a competitive edge in Krycek's voice. "My last scene with the AD had me on my hands and knees /and/ we got a mirror scene." Scully's eyes flashed dangerously. "I had Mulder spanked me." "I had Mulder pull my pants down to my knees and give me a big blow job." "I tied Mulder to a tree and gave one to him there." "I fucked Mulder in the showers standing against the walls," Krycek quipped furiously. Mulder simply sat on the floor, looking tired. "Mulder, you've been sitting on the floor all day," Pendrell said. "Why don't you get up?" "I'm tired," the handsome dark haired agent replied. "I've been stretched past my limit. Agent Scully three times a day, and when they drop me back in it, I'm immediately picked up with Krycek, and then Skinner, then X, then Maggie Scully, then Frohike, then the smoking man, then you, and Bill Jr. and Spender fall asleep in each other's arms every night dreaming about fucking me so they're probably next, then Marita, then Pheobe, and Mr. Kresge here soon enough." He moaned. "I'm exhausted." Everyone in the bowl stopped what they were doing and everyone, said in the unison, "Mulder, you're a slut." Mulder groaned. Kresge stared at him. His eyes had the expression of a man who spent too much time in the desert and thought he saw a whole lake of fresh water, only to drink a mouthful of sand. "I have to get out of here!" he exclaimed desperately. "I can't stay here. I'll go insane. This is insane! You're all insane! There must be a way out." "There is no way out," said Marita, who suddenly appeared in the circle. Everyone backed away slightly, looking annoyed, especially Krycek. He had never thought of Moscow more with any other person than he did with her. Marita was always poking her nose in places she was unwanted, they all thought. Well, all except Scully. She figured Marita could poke her nose anywhere, along as it was on her body. "The walls are made a from a special chemical that prevents you from climbing it. It's called plastic and it's as hard as hell to cling on to." "And if you try to escape while you're out of the bowl," Scully warned solemnly, "they always catch you and you'll end up in a story screwing one of the Peacock brothers." A heavy blanket of silence dropped over the bowl as fear and dread filled the eyes of everyone in it. The silence was broken when Kresge let out a howl of pure anguish. "This can't be happening! Why, when I first got here, they told me that I was going to help the good fight against the forces of evil! I was going to help expose the truth! Restore justice unto the world! Help the people of the country and let them know what the government was doing them!" "I thought the exact same thing," Mulder admitted cheerfully. "What about you Scully?" "I believed that I was going to debunk your work and would never see you again after that," she said with a grin. "I was told I was going to help both of you uncover government's conspiracies," Pendrell said. "Krycek?" Krycek snorted. "I knew it was a porn show from the very beginning," he remarked as though it was obvious. "Just look at the title." At that moment, the ground beneath them began to shake. Kresge looked at Pendrell with large, frightened eyes. "What the hell is happening?" he yelled. "We're being mixed," Pendrell replied before falling onto of Kresge. The detective yelped and pushed him off, only to be crushed by Mulder. The floor continued to shake and Mulder rolled off him and Kresge felt himself being tossed into the air, and landing on various bodies, rolling over them, and then being tossed again. When it ended, he was lying on top of Scully and Diana Fowley, groaning from the pain of being tossed about. Then, to his outmost terror, he felt something close around his body. It was a giant hand with nails short and chipped from hours of typing. Kresge screamed and struggled to free himself, but the fingers were rigid and unmovable. He continued to shriek as he felt himself being lifted off the tangled bodies beneath him, shrieked as he was slowly being raised out of the big giant mixing bowl along with -- The End Having just wrote this, I realize I read way too much smut for a noromo.