TITLE: Never Let You Go

AUTHOR: J. Nelson

E-MAIL: blackleyj@yahoo.com 

DISTRIBUTION: Please, with name attached. Yes to
Xemplary and the Spookys. Anywhere else, could you
kindly drop me a line and let me know where it is so
my parents can visit it. Submitted separately to
Gossamer.

RATING: G

SUMMARY: Random musings in the cover of darkness.
It's fluff that's been lurking around in my head.

SPOILERS: Minor ones for Travellers and Closure

CATEGORY: Vignette, Angst, slight MSR

DISCLAIMER: The characters of Fox Mulder and Dana
Scully belong to FOX, Chris Carter and 1013
Productions. No monetary gain is being made from this
piece. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Lyrics used without permission from Third Eye Blind.

FEEDBACK: Yes, at blackleyj@yahoo.com

DEDICATION: This is for Sally who is expecting my part
to our story any day.  I had to write this first.
Please forgive me!  And always, Kelly.
 
 

Never Let You Go
By J. Nelson

Mornings were never a pleasant experience for Dana
Scully.  No matter how early she went to bed the
previous evening, she never felt fully rested when the
alarm clock rang the following morning.  She felt even
less rested when that alarm clock was a telephone call
from her partner, Fox Mulder, at 3:16 the following
morning.

"I woke you, didn't I?"  His voice was apprehensive
and smoky.

She sighed and rubbed her eyes.  "What time do I need
to be at the airport?"  She was annoyed and
semi-alert.

"What makes you think you need to be at the airport?"
The apprehension had disappeared, but the smokiness
still swirled in his voice.

She thought for a moment and replied, "Mulder, have
you ever smoked?"  The question came out of nowhere
while her eyes slowly adjusted to the ghost-like
images of her bedroom furniture.

There was silence, low-pitched and inky.  "Well," his
voice was lifting from the haze and fog, "for awhile.
I quit before you joined the X-Files."

She heard the soft scrunching of his tired and
restless body moving against the cotton of his
sheets.  It was a soothing sound, soft and
comfortable.  She smiled, realizing he was sleeping in
his bed and not on his couch.  "Why did you start
Mulder?"

"Because I found them in the basement Scully."  The
mist had lifted and Mulder's voice was alert and ready
to play.

Annoyed and bemused she replied, "Smoking, Mulder.  I
know how you started on the X-Files."

"She was sneaky and smoked out."

"Diana?"

She heard him gasp and yearned to erase her response.
"I can't get much past you, can I Scully?"

"That wasn't fair of me Mulder."  She sat up and
pushed another pillow behind her head, wishing
he hadn't phoned, grateful he had.

"Have I changed Scully?"  His voice had become wistful
and melancholy.

Scully rolled onto her left side, cradling the phone
between her ear and shoulder.  "Changed from
when?  Before I joined the X-Files?"  He was a puzzle
at times, inexplicable and mysterious.

"Since I found her?"

"Found whom, Mulder?"  She paused then, starlight
beckoning from her window, and she closed her eyes.
"I'm sorry Mulder.  I know who you meant.  I'm just
not quite awake yet."

His breathing was hitched and as she waited for his
response, it started to slow, its edges ragged
and smooth.  "It's okay Scully.  I shouldn't have
called."

As she opened her eyes, she could hear the want in his
voice.  His desire to reach out and connect.  "I like
when you call . . ." she was hesitant to finish the
sentiment.

"But, not all the time."  He laughed, low and soft,
the smokiness returning to his voice.

She chuckled along with him, sliding further down
under the comforter, wiggling her toes, making herself
more comfortable, just as Mulder's words were doing.
"Maybe."

He stopped laughing then and there was only the sound
of cotton rustling, the slow intake and exhalation of
air, surrounding her, enveloping her.  Quietness had
settled in, and she closed her eyes again, trying to
picture him lying in his bed, listening to her
breathe.

His words startled, then soothed her.  "We'd never
turn our backs on each other, would we Scully?"

She opened her eyes to the darkness and replied, "We
don't always see eye to eye, but, no, you'd never turn
your back on me, Mulder."  Where those words had come
from, she wasn't sure.  But the feeling was still the
same.

It was quiet again, and she rolled onto her back,
holding the receiver close to her ear, intent on
listening to his rhythmic breathing murmuring to her.

"I broke a promise to my mother, Scully."  A little
boy spoke to her then, a tired and scared little
boy, with old-soul eyes.  "I turned my back on her."

It was there again, the relentless guilt, haunting
him, stalking them, hindering his happiness,
impeding their joy.  "Mulder, you've never turned your
back on your family.  Never."

His breathing sped up, forcing her to sit up, to rest
her arms on her knees, debating whether she should
drive to his apartment.  "You've changed, Scully."

Her laughter was low and throaty, ironic and relieved.
"Well, maybe I did.  But even if I've changed, what's 
wrong with that?"

"You didn't answer me before."

She sighed and lay back down.  He was intent on making
a point, his way.  A lengthy and meandering journey,
with numerous side trips to her heart.  "When have I
not answered you Mulder?"

She knew he was peeved without even hearing his voice.
Irritation spoke in his breathing, bothered and
annoyed.  "Have I changed?  Have I changed since..."

He had spoken of starlight and safe havens for those
who would suffer the most, and she had believed him.
She had her doubts, but she never doubted his belief
he had been set free.

She rolled onto her right side, pulling a pillow down
by her, hugging it close, comforting it, wanting to
give him solace.  "Do you think you've changed,
Mulder?"

It was quiet again, and she realized they both liked
revealing themselves to each other over the telephone.
They both liked to hide behind the anonymity of the
telephone.  And they both liked to extract their secrets 
from each other over the telephone.

His voice broke the quiet, husky and drenched with
tears.  "Friends are gone, Scully.  And time
moves on.  And all I know if there's a reason, it's
lost on me."

She squeezed her eyes shut, pressing salt and moisture
onto her lashes, feeling tears spill onto her cheeks,
the cotton of the pillowcase dampened.

He continued, "I never let you go Scully.  I never let
you go."

She wiped away her tears, opened her eyes, swallowed
her sorrow and replied, "But why do you have to let me
go?"

The silence was stentorian and still and static
bounced in her ear.  "Maybe we'll be friends."  He
whispered.

"We are friends."  Her reply was swift, succinct and
concise.  She wasn't prepared to walk the
well-travelled road of Fox Mulder's guilt.  "Maybe
we'll be more than friends."

The sharp intake of breath didn't startle her, not as
her words had.  "I guess we'll see, won't we
Scully?"

It was a question destined to be asked, uttered in the
shelter of twilight.  "I'll never let you go
Mulder."

It was small and slight, but his laugh dried her
tears, and settled her soul.  "Did you cash in all
your dreams, Scully?  Do you dream for me?"

"I dream for us all Mulder."  She closed her eyes and
rolled back to her left side, clutching the phone to
ear, clasping her hand to her heart.  She ached for
his touch and yearned to bestow hers upon him.

She opened her eyes again, fearful he had fallen
asleep, anxious he had hung up, apprehensive he
had let her go.

"You're like a sunburn, Scully."  The stillness was
disturbed by his confusing words.  Words that
allayed her fears.

"I get sunburnt Mulder.  I don't think I am a
sunburn."  He had taken a side trip again and veered
sharply to the left as he had approached her heart.

"You're like a sunburn I'd like to save."  He
continued, mindless of her reply.  "Warm and constant
and all aglow."

He did this to her at times.  Catching her unawares,
flinging her reality up in the air, leaving her
with a sense of buoyancy and weightlessness.  It was
disconcerting and enchanting all at once.

She smiled and drew a deep breath, rolling onto her
back and tugging her comforter close to her chin.  She
looked toward the stars, twinkling and flickering as
they sparkled in the night sky.  Was he peering at the
sky, just as she was?

"Scully?" He voice shone through the murkiness of the
night, lightening the somber tone of their
conversation.

"Hmm?" she replied, the sultriness of his voice
lulling her back to sleep, forcing her eyes to
close.

"I'll never let you go." he whispered.

And she knew he never would, and neither would she.

"Mulder?"

"Hmm?"

"Which airport?"

He chuckled and replied, "National.  10:00 a.m."

She hung up the phone then and dreamed all their
dreams.

The end
 
 
 

=====
"I'm free."  Mulder

Closure