TITLE: Slowing Down AUTHOR: FabulousMonster EMAIL ADDRESS: fabulousmonster@hotmail.com DISCLAIMER: I do not own these characters. They are the property of Ten-Thirteen, Chris Charter and Co. and FOX. DISTRIBUTION STATEMENT: Gossamer and Spooky Awards, yes. Anywhere else, just let me know. SPOILER WARNING: Up to and including Season 7's "all things." RATING: PG CLASSIFICATION: V, A, MSR, Scully POV SUMMARY: Scully's emotional state of mind after "all things." AUTHOR'S NOTES: Yep, I'm joining the "all things" fanfic lollapalooza. I tried to avoid it, but it's pulled me in. Special thanks to my betas Hillary, Karen, and Duke who always provide me with excellent comments and suggestions. Feedback is always appreciated...hey, I live for it! XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Slowing Down I am slowing down. I leave my apartment fifteen minutes earlier in the mornings so I don't have to deal with the frustrations of rush-hour traffic. I have begun to leave the office before eight o'clock at night because I only work for the FBI--I am not owned by it. I meet my Mom for dinner once every two weeks. We also drop in on each other unannounced, and neither of us begrudges it. We shop, drink Starbucks, and go to movies. She tells me more about the movie stars she finds attractive than I need to know. I confess to an appreciation for Laurence Fishburn. She shares stories about my Dad as a young man and her hopes and dreams as a young woman. I tell her I admire her for raising four children virtually alone. She cries. I am slowing down. I work out regularly, but not just in the solitary pursuits of running and swimming. I am now the newest member of our Forensic Science softball team, 'The Y-Incisions.' We expect to make the playoffs this year. I speak at a medical conference in San Diego. While I'm there, I reestablish contact with Bill, Charlie, and their families. I am a good aunt and take the kids to the zoo. I sit outside in the backyard as Bill barbecues and Charlie critiques, and reminisce and laugh. I appreciate my brothers for the fine men they have become. My approval is important to both of them--they look at me as an extension of my father. I talk in general about my work, and Bill actually listens. I promise to come for Christmas this year. I am slowing down. I join Skinner for lunch at least once a month. We don't speak of the medical technology keeping us alive, or even the cases that define our work. Instead, we chat about office and government politics, and he makes me laugh with his Janet Reno impression. Sometimes he talks quietly about Vietnam. I think I can trust him when CGB Spender surfaces again. I attend church every Sunday even if I am out of town. I still explore other beliefs--Buddhism, Taoism, Navaho, and Judaism--as part of my spiritual journey, but Catholicism remains my foundation. The tenets learned in my childhood provide comfort to me today. I always light a candle for Emily. I am slowing down. I notice little things more. The ticking of the mantle clock in my apartment used to bother me; now I find it restful. I respond to colors and textures. I think I may revamp my wardrobe: it doesn't seem to fit me anymore. I'm beginning to see the attraction of sunflower seeds. I am letting my hair grow again. I visit Missy's grave every month and bring fresh flowers. I sit on a blanket and talk to her about work, our family, how beautiful the cherry blossoms are in Washington this time of year, and how much I miss her. I don't feel awkward or self-conscious. I am slowing down. To the delight of The Gunmen, I become a subscriber to their newsletter. They want me--under an alias--to be a contributing editor, providing an opposing opinion to one of their theories each month. 'It will be like Point/Counterpoint,' they tell me. I sense a set-up. I eat cheesesteaks with them instead. I meet Daniel for a drink one month after he leaves the hospital. He seems to be physically well. He still wonders if we have a future. I kiss him gently on the cheek and encourage him to be a father and a grandfather. We say good-bye and I know I will never see him again. There is a dull ache in my chest, but pain is a symptom of healing. I am slowing down. I decide to stop running from the virus that infected me. I made a promise to myself a year ago to seek a cure; now I am following through. I owe it to Penny, Gibson, and Cassandra. I think I might even owe it to Jeffrey and Diana. Facing my fear is challenging--but taking charge of my life is invigorating. I dream of my Dad. We fish together and he lets me steer the boat. He is not disappointed in me. I am slowing down. I speak to me and I listen. I release the guilt for Emily, Melissa, and the others I have hurt in the past. The monsters that are Pfaster and CGB Spender don't invade my dreams as much as before. I see my life as a doctor and a FBI agent coming together instead of running parallel and I am glad. I stop fixating on the implant in my neck; I simply appreciate being alive. My penitence for living while others have died is no longer necessary. I forgive myself for the choices I have made. I forgive myself for mistakenly believing they may have been the wrong ones. I am slowing down. And in forgiving myself, all things become possible. I begin to believe in ice tea and sleeping bags. I believe in the promises made in hallways, doorways, and hospital waiting rooms. I have searched for the truth for seven years--and I am struck by the irony that its lanky frame has been standing right in front of me the entire time. I will be a wife. I will be a mother. I will be where I want to be at this time of my life. I am slowing down. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX AUTHOR'S NOTES PART 2: In some ways, I regard this story as a continuation of how Scully's emotional life has evolved through two of my other fanfics, "i am," and "A Small Woman Among Large Men." You can read "i am" at Chronicle X at http://chroniclex.simplenet.com, and "A Small Woman..." at Sparky's Doghouse at http://members.xoom.com/The_Doghouse. Both are also on Ephemeral. I chose Laurence Fishburn as Scully's favorite actor because GA said she admired him in an Entertainment Weekly article. Have I mentioned that I love feedback?