April 20, 2000

TITLE: An Unbroken Thread Beyond Description
AUTHOR: Vesalius
E-MAIL: vesalius_wact14@hotmail.com 
RATING: PG
CATEGORY: Vignette
SPOILERS: all things, Closure
KEY WORDS: Missing Scene, MSR

SUMMARY: Simply a reaction to all of the posts I've seen
that refer to the baseball cap-wearing woman from the
episode as an "angel". From an alternate perspective, could
she not be seen as the Way or the Path (Tao)?

ARCHIVE: Anywhere, just keep my name and please e-mail me.

DISCLAIMER: TXF and all of its complex characters don't
belong to me. But oooooh, are they ever tempting. So here I
go again, plucking the forbidden fruit...
 
This piece is a speculation on the dialogue we missed during
the commercial, before they finished their tea. The
epilogue, Bis, is hopefully what you were looking for --
thanks for the idea, dear Muse.

FEEDBACK: Much obliged.... vesalius_wact14@hotmail.com
 
 

AN UNBROKEN THREAD BEYOND DESCRIPTION
by Vesalius

Look, it cannot be seen -- it is beyond form.
Listen, it cannot be heard -- it is beyond sound.
Grasp, it cannot be held -- it is intangible.
These three are indefinable;
Therefore they are joined in one.

>From above it is not bright;
>From below it is not dark:
An unbroken thread beyond description.
It returns to nothingness.
The form of the formless,
The image of the imageless,
It is called indefinable and beyond imagination.

Stand before it and there is no beginning.
Follow it and there is no end.
Stay with the ancient Tao,
Move with the present.

--Lao Tsu, Tao Te Ching

*****

It was late into the night, at an hour when time seemed to
lose its urgency.

In the subdued light of the apartment, Mulder and Scully
found themselves enjoying the relaxed cycle of reflective
silences and sincere insights that flowed between them.
Despite the intense loyalty and devotion that was the life
of their partnership, rarely had they ever shared an evening
like this. That in itself was a reflection of what had
changed.

And neither one of them quite knew how to describe the
change. It was at once subtle yet magnificent...as
imperceptible as a gentle shift in the breeze, but with an
effect as radiant as sunlight emerging from dissipating
clouds.

Here they were, contemplating their life choices with an
openness born not of crisis but of something as simple as
two cups of luke-warm tea. Mulder ran his thumb across the
smooth surface of his mug, enjoying the tactile sensation.
It seemed to heighten his awareness of the comfortable,
intimate proximity of his partner. They rested arm alongside
arm, thigh to thigh, her head flush against his shoulder,
almost as one person.

So much of their experience together had been a shared
process of discovery, and to his delight Scully had now
revealed a willingness to include him in an intensely
personal self-discovery. A very small part of him felt as
though he had lost something. He hadn't been there when it
had happened, and somehow, he assumed that he would be a
part of Scully's moment of truth.

But such concerns dissolved in the peace that he felt as she
shared of herself, and rewarded his playful cross-
examination with introspective smiles and candor.

"I'm still not sure what made you follow her inside. Usually
rushing into the unknown is my department," Mulder teased
good-naturedly.

Scully considered the question for a moment, silently
resting against his arm. Eventually she murmured:

"I'm not sure either. In my work as a scientist I've learned
to distinguish recurring patterns from random data, to trace
a consequence systematically back to its cause. But how
often in my daily routine have I trained myself to tune out
minute details or dismiss coincidence as insignificant? And
yet for some reason, that day I was aware of so many
things."

"What things?"

"Any and all things...things that I might otherwise not
notice. Sounds. Certain movements in my peripheral vision
seemed to stand out to the exclusion of all else, but not
for any reason I could pinpoint...I'd almost say it was like
focusing on something through a microscope, except..."

"Except what?"

"Except...I don't know how to describe it, but it was as if
the microscope was focused on *me*, rather than the other
way around."

Scully paused for a few moments, still struggling to find
words that could adequately describe the odd sensations that
had done so much to reorient her view during the weekend.
Deep down, she knew that Mulder understood -- and that it
had nothing to do with any of the words she was conjuring
up. They shared a kind of kinship that way, each of them
having grown accustomed to experiences that were difficult
to explain in conventional terms.

"Maybe I was just more attentive on that particular day, and
realized that I was crossing paths with the same person over
and over. But what if that happens every day, with other
people, only this time I noticed it and followed?"

"I think it does happen every day," Mulder acknowledged
carefully, "but we *can't* follow up on every coincidence. I
think a lot of times we tune it out purely out of
necessity."

A bemused grin stretched across Scully's face as she
observed ironically, "That sounds strange coming from you,
Mulder."

"Scully!..." he replied with mock astonishment, "Are you
implying that I chase after every potential lead that comes
along?"

As he said this, he nudged her side lightly with his elbow,
prompting her to dip her head shyly but smile even more
broadly.

"I guess the way I would put it is that as long as I've
known you, Mulder, I have never known you *not* to follow
you heart....and it's one of the things I admire most about
you."

There was a momentary awkwardness, overshadowed by the
potent emotional charge in her statement. Scully cradled her
mug in both hands and raised it slowly to her lips, focusing
her attention on the tea as she sipped it down. When she
finally did steal a glance at her partner, his eyes held
hers tenderly and then roamed across her face in a visual
caress.

When he spoke again, Mulder fixed his gaze at an
indeterminate point across the room, as his thoughts
wandered back to the night he had finally let go.

"Maybe the trick is finding the balance between following
your heart and accepting where you already are, what you
already have. My whole life...*almost* my whole life was
spent looking for my sister. I thought I was following my
heart, but I wasn't getting any closer to the answer."

"But you found her eventually."

"Or she found me....when I was ready to stop looking. Maybe
it was a matter of slowing down and realizing something I
already knew...and when that happened, it was like I'd
gotten my life back."

Scully smiled absently and sighed, "I guess slowing down is
a matter of perspective. I've been so pre-occupied with
cutting back on our investigations, with not running after
every possible instance of paranormal activity, that I
couldn't see the truth."

Mulder glanced over at her and waited.

"I *like* my work...our work. Somewhere along the line, it
stopped being about finding the answers...and it was the
work itself that mattered," Scully confessed.

"Even crop circles that turn out to be nothing special?"

"Even crop circles. Even moth men...fat-sucking
vampires...garbage monsters...ghosts on Christmas Eve..."

"...Mexican goat-suckers...lovesick meteorologists...
zombies..." Mulder added.

Scully nodded in agreement and took another sip of tea
before she continued.

"Seeing Daniel this weekend brought back...a lot..."

"Mmm hmm?" Mulder prompted her as he also raised his mug for
another sip of tea.

"I thought my life needed a change...maybe a break from our
usual routine...but when I talked with Daniel it was so
clear how much my life *has* changed."

"Ten years, Scully. A lot can happen..."

"It isn't just the years, Mulder...it's who I am. I'm not
the person he knew then...I'm not the person *I* knew then
...but I don't think I'd fully realized that..."

"And that's what hit you in the Buddhist temple?"

"Not exactly...I felt a moment of clarity, but...what I
learned about my life this weekend came in small doses. I
didn't learn everything in a sudden revelation...It was
closer to the kind of inspiration that comes from realizing
that details I had noticed before fell into a pattern, one
that a slight shift in perspective enabled me to recognize."

"Like seeing the forest for the trees," Mulder suggested.

"I could see parts of myself in Daniel, and in Colleen,"
Scully added, "But despite how much I recognized my own
skepticism in Daniel...and in Colleen's past experience, my
own need to live up to the standards that I imagine are
expected of me...what I didn't see in either of them was my
own path."

"I thought you said Colleen's choices helped make yours
clearer," Mulder countered, his brow furrowed slightly.

"They did. So did seeing Daniel..."

Scully paused and exhaled slowly as she composed her
thoughts. She tilted her mug to take another drink of tea,
but noticing that it was empty, leaned forward and set it on
Mulder's coffee table. With nothing to grasp in her hands,
she felt oddly exposed, especially given what she was trying
to say. Breathing deeply, she continued:

"So much of who I am has been tied to a drive to achieve --
even excel -- in everything expected of me. The more a
person expects of me, the more I seem to be drawn to that
person. It's what originally drew me to Daniel...but in the
end, it was also what made me leave. When I spoke with
Colleen, and listened to her explain her choice to walk away
from a career and a life geared to other people's
expectations, it was like hearing someone describe my own
situation. But not my solution. For Colleen, the answer was
moving on to a new life...for me, it was realizing that the
life I have *now* is my own choice. That staying with you
and the X-Files isn't something I do to meet someone else's
expectations...I just can't see myself happy anywhere else."

"Lucky for me," Mulder concluded -- with a wink and a grin.

Inwardly, he struggled with uncertainty over how to steer
the conversation in a way that would tease out the bombshell
that Scully had dropped in passing.

*...staying with you...*

They had come so close, so many times....only to fall back
on a well-established pattern of evasiveness and deflection.
After hours of candid exchange, could he hope that Scully
would be ready to venture onto the one topic that was still
veiled?

How much did her choice to stay depend on the X-Files, and
how much on...?

"I still don't get it," he mused.

"Which part?"

"The part where I go away for two days and your whole life
changes."
 
 

*****
 

Epilogue
 

It was a peaceful awakening.

Scully truthfully couldn't distinguish the moment when sleep
had faded to wakefulness. She experienced no jarring
sensation at finding herself on Mulder's couch. Somehow, it
felt like the natural place to be.

But not the most comfortable.

She craned her stiff neck gingerly, and felt a pop. Without
thinking further, she brushed aside the blanket that covered
her and rose up from the couch. In the doorway to Mulder's
room she paused while her eyes adjusted to the dark. Even
before she could see, however ... she knew.

He was awake, and he was watching her.

For a brief instant, Scully considered retreating. It would
be easier if he were asleep. With his eyes following each
move, somehow the stakes seemed higher. But she overcame her
hesitance as she recalled the events of the weekend, and
what they made her realize about the importance of embracing
each choice openly.

No longer would she diminish her life by believing that she
was not where she wanted to be.

Her jacket fell to the floor.

Her skirt followed. Then the sweater.

Quietly and efficiently, Scully eased down her nylons. When
she straightened up she looked directly at Mulder, and was
now able to see his face clearly.

And his eyes.

In them, she found no surprises. He stared back at her
patiently, accepting her presence.

With a few short steps she was at his bedside. Mulder lifted
the covers to accommodate her as she climbed in beside him.
Scully rested on her side, facing him. They held each other
in a steady gaze, each smiling shyly.

"No trouble finding your way?" Mulder whispered, teasing
gently.

"None. It helped that I was nearby," Scully murmured as she
gestured back toward the main room with a slight tilt of her
head.

"The truth is..." Mulder corrected her slowly, as he grasped
her hand in his and placed it over his heart, "...you were
already here."

Scully closed her eyes for a moment, as she absorbed his
simple yet powerful statement. Through the warmth of his
skin, she felt a steady, regular heartbeat. It was a subtle
rhythm, one she had rarely had the chance to feel. So often
in the past, her hands had sought out his pulse only to find
it weakened and fragile from a near-fatal ordeal. Never had
it thrummed beneath her touch as they lay together safe and
whole in an intimate embrace. When she looked up at him
again, her reply came naturally.

Gently, she took Mulder's hand and settled it over her own
heart.
 

THE END

*****

If while washing dishes, we think only of the cup of tea
that awaits us, thus hurrying to get the dishes out of the
way as if they were a nuisance, then we are not "washing the
dishes to wash the dishes." What's more, we are not alive
during the time we are washing the dishes. In fact we are
completely incapable of realizing the miracle of life while
standing at the sink. If we can't wash the dishes, the
chances are we won't be able to drink our tea either. While
drinking the cup of tea, we will only be thinking of other
things, barely aware of the cup in our hands. Thus we are
sucked away into the future -- and we are incapable of
actually living one minute of life.

--Thich Nhat Hanh, The Miracle of Mindfulness